Honouring the Messiness of Feeling
A Culture That Doesn't Value Feelings
We live in a culture that doesn't value feelings. We're taught to tidy them up, make them manageable, keep them contained, and—if possible—keep them hidden. And when we do allow ourselves to feel, there are the "right" feelings — the ones that are acknowledged and accepted — but there's also a whole wealth of other feelings that are not given their place, not valued, or judged as wrong. Sometimes even the "acceptable" feelings come with an invisible time limit.
Take grief, for example. When we lose someone we love — or even when we have to say goodbye to a part of our lives we once cherished — there’s often a brief window where our pain is allowed to be seen. But what about the moments, months, or even decades later, when the waves still come?
When we start to see one emotion as being just a simple cause and effect, this does not do it justice, and we overlook the complexity and layering within it — the hidden threads that reach back into earlier experiences, and even into the unspoken imprints we carry from our beginnings. These layers can become a powerful source of transformation and renewal when they are given space.
This is something I’ve known in my own life. I lost my mother over 20 years ago, and even now, I sometimes find myself a weeping mess without warning. Living with chronic illness has also brought its own grief — saying goodbye to my old life and learning to embrace a new one with many restrictions. Each time I let myself ride those waves, I reach a deeper place… one that has as much to do with healing the relational space as it does with the loss itself.
Feelings Don’t Live in Boxes
We sweep so much under the carpet — not just sorrow, but also our anger when boundaries are crossed, or the shame we sometimes feel when we stepped out into the world showing up as our vulnerable selves or when we've not met some impossible standard. Sometimes those standards come from outside us — the ones we've been handed by culture, family, or community. But other times, the shame cuts deeper because it comes from within: when we feel we've fallen short of our own inner terms, our own quiet vision of how we "should" be. That kind of shame can be even harder to face, because it's not imposed from outside — it's deeply woven into the fabric of how we perceive ourselves. We dim our aliveness because we've learned that showing up fully with what we are feeling makes people uncomfortable. This in itself can start a spiral of constantly rushing to get away from the deeper feelings that are calling, leaving us with no space to simply be with what is here now. And what about all those feelings and emotions that we can't make sense of? Even having that label — "this doesn't make sense" — has taught so many of us to hide them away, even from ourselves. But often, these feelings are your soul speaking. Your heart speaking. To ignore them can feel almost violent to the truth inside you.
Layers of Suppression and the Roots of Aliveness
This suppression of our feelings and our aliveness is often shaped by our childhood experiences, by the dynamics of our partnerships, by the patterns passed down through generations, and by the collective weight of oppression. What about having a space to truly be with the deeper layers of those feelings? In my own life, and in the space I hold for others, I've seen how, when we allow these layers to be felt and witnessed, we reach places that feel more whole — places where we can finally embrace ourselves in our emotional truth. Most of us were never taught how to process our feelings in a way that honours their depth and complexity, giving them a rightful place in our inner navigation system — the compass of our deeper self and vulnerable heart. We were never shown the importance of slowing down and creating pauses in our lives, moments where we can simply be with our emotional truth. And, on top of that, we've been told, often subtly, that there is a right and wrong when it comes to feelings, leaving us to hide away the ones that don't make the "acceptable" list.
The Pain of Not Being Seen
For so many of us, one of the deepest hurts we carry in our vulnerable hearts is the pain of not being seen in our feelings. It's the moment you expressed something raw and real, and it was met with silence… or a quick change of subject… or even criticism. Over time, those moments teach us that our feelings aren't safe to share — or worse, that they don't matter. This absence of being truly witnessed leaves an ache that runs deeper than the emotion itself. It's not just about feeling sad, angry, or afraid — the ache comes from the aloneness of those feelings. And when that aloneness is repeated, the wound becomes part of the fabric of how we perceive ourselves and how we move in the world. Being met — truly met — in our emotions is one of the most healing experiences we can have. And even if you've rarely had that in your life, it's something you can begin to offer yourself now: to witness your own feelings with the presence and tenderness you've always needed.
Feelings that Begin Before Words
Before there were words, there were feelings. Our bodies were already listening — to the tone of voices, the warmth of touch, the presence or absence of safety. These first impressions, gathered in silence, became the earliest threads of who we are. Some feelings never made it into language. They live in the quiet, pre-verbal layers — shaped by our beginnings, and by the echoes of complex trauma, by moments too overwhelming for a child to integrate alone. These currents are often never met, never seen, perhaps never even allowed to exist. But they do live underneath the surface, moving in their own times and currents, like swaying seaweed at the bottom of the ocean floor. Humans need to be seen and met for our emotions to heal. When those earliest layers are left unseen, they can rise as tides we don't understand — sensations and reactions that seem "too much" or “feel bad” but are in truth ancient signals from our own history, asking to be witnessed, felt and held. It begins with seeing ourselves. With normalising the emotional currents that move through us, and honouring them as wisdom — not as flaws. They are stories that may never be told in words, but that live in the language of the body, the body-mind-soul, waiting to be felt. In meeting these layered truths with compassion, we gather back pieces of our wholeness.
From Survival to Reclaiming
For many of us, emotional suppression was once about survival — it kept us safe in families or environments where feeling fully wasn't an option. That protective strategy served us then. But now, as adults, we can begin to reclaim what we had to set aside. We can leave that needing to be "on top of things" and embrace ourselves in our messy aliveness, and allow our emotions and feelings to fuel the flow of transformation through our systems as they guide us to access deeper layers of ourselves. We can honour and own that feelings are not tidy. They're not linear. They live in their own inner interconnected web at the foundation of our beingness, everywhere, a bit like mycelium in a forest ground. They are deeply needed.
My Relationship With This Work
For me, feelings are the gold in my work. They are also the messiest — and the most joyful — part of my life. My life can get emotionally tangled because I am a deep feeler, able to feel-see patterns others can't, and because I carry my own complex story of emotional oppression — one that took me decades to move through, and will continue on my inner journey ever unfolding. And it's precisely because of all this that I am able to serve deeply. I've walked through the same work I now guide my clients through and still walk the path — meeting my own truths, allowing space for what had no space before — so when I sit with you, it's from a place of knowing the terrain from the inside. I meet myself in the same way — standing in the storm, being fully present to what is here now, honouring what is showing up, acknowledging the depth and complexity of the layers within it, and re-rooting and re-grounding in the present in a whole, empowered new embodied way. This work is about allowing the deeper layers to speak so that our natural healing currents can start to flow more freely.
The Morning I Woke Up Flat
To truly understand and embody this work, I had to experience the other side of it, too. A while ago, I was trying out a new drug for my long COVID, and I knew it was going to affect my feeling world as the effects settled in. I remember waking up on that first morning and being stunned by the flatness of my perceptions. The colours, textures, and movement of my inner world had vanished, and so had all the feelings that came with it, except the flatness. That morning taught me, in the most embodied way, to deeply value the rich, layered tapestry of my sensory feeling life. Imagine where we would be without feeling — and then compare that to how little space we often give our emotions in the push to function and perform. Just holding that inner tension — the knowing that feelings matter, and the constant pressure to set them aside — is exhausting in itself.
The Courage and Fear of Feeling
It can take tremendous courage to feel fully in a world that rewards disconnection — especially when we are feeling alone or unseen, and reliving subconscious memories of feeling alone and unseen. Numbness and not-noticing feels safer, and we feel we can function. And sometimes, feeling our feelings can bring the fear that we're spiralling out of control. There's an important distinction here: we're not talking about plunging into old trauma or being pulled into an emotional vortex that destabilises us. The kind of feeling I'm speaking about is safe, present, and connected — yet it can still feel unfamiliar and even frightening, simply because we've never been taught how to navigate this terrain in whole-being, compassionate and heart-led ways
Staying Connected in the Midst of Life
So how do we do this? One of my teachers, Christine Caldwell, Founder of the Moving Cycle Institute, speaks of the Triangle: moving, feeling/sensing, breathing. It's a gentle reminder that emotions are not just mental events — they live in the body, move through it, and shift when we give them space. The feeling is also in the body — and the body, when supported, knows how to process it in healthy, life-giving ways. Staying on the Triangle can help us honour that innate wisdom and give the feelings or emotions space to unfold. This isn't about forcing yourself to process anything before you're ready. The practice begins with awareness. We need intentional pauses—moments of slowing down to notice what is happening inside. It's about staying connected to the physical reality of your body in the present moment — the ground beneath your feet, the rhythm of your breath, the senses awakening, the movements that are happening naturally. It's about allowing yourself to notice that you are here now, and that even the smallest shift — a deeper breath, a tiny release in the shoulders, a softening in the jaw — is a sign that something in you is already moving.
When the Trigger is Outside Us
Sometimes emotions rise because of what's happening right now in the outside world — a conflict, a loss, a sudden change. We can't always influence or change the external event, but we can tend to how we meet it internally. This is often the hardest time to stay present, and it’s important to name that. In those moments, our instinct might be to shut down, rush past what’s rising, or get pulled into a spiral — yet this is often the very time our feelings most need a steady, compassionate container. That’s where grounding comes in.
Grounding Without Bypassing
That’s where grounding becomes essential — not to bypass or shut down our emotions, but to create space and enough stability in the body so they can move without flooding us or shutting us down.
And safety matters here, too — both inside and out. For some, the environment or relationships around them don’t allow emotions to be expressed openly. In those cases, grounding can be a way to hold what’s rising until it can be met in a safe space — whether that’s in private moments with yourself or in the company of trusted people. We can meet our inner truth in many ways, and all of them count.
The Wisdom in the Wave
When emotions flow freely, there's a softening in the chest, a release in the shoulders, a sense of space opening up. When we hold them back, we can feel it too — the tightness in the throat, the knot in the stomach, the heaviness in our step. When we stop that wave — when we box up our feelings or push them away — the wave of energy doesn't just disappear. It gets stuck in the body. It turns into tension, pain, even subtle changes in how we carry ourselves — or the old, familiar loops we can't seem to escape. And shame often stands guard at the door, whispering that we're "too much" or "not enough," keeping us from the very feelings that want to heal us.
A Gentle Invitation for You
⟡ Ask yourself and journal: What am I feeling right now? Does it feel familiar? Have I felt this before? Does the intensity of it match the here and now situation? Am I welcoming it and being present with it? Am I having thoughts that are contributing to it?
Let your answers come without judgment — simply noticing them is a powerful step toward giving your feelings the space they may have been denied.
⟡ Grounding Practice: Remind yourself that your inner world — as connected as it is to everything — is also your private space. You can make it feel more private not by building walls, but by creating roots deep into the earth and expanding upward into the sky and out into the cosmos like a tree. From this place, it becomes easier to remember your wholeness — a wholeness that exists far beyond the limitations of everyday human experience.
Closing
What if those messy feelings aren't evidence that you're failing… but evidence that you're alive, sensing, and navigating by your deepest compass? What if your sensitivity is actually your superpower — your ability to read the subtle currents of life that others miss? This is the ‘feeling work’ that I return to again and again — in my own being, and in the space I hold for others.
You don’t have to be a “deep feeler” to be able to do this. It’s simply about embracing your full range of feelings and experiences, and giving them a place in the whole of who you are. So take a moment to listen in. If you’re feeling tired of betraying your own emotional truth — even if you don’t yet know what those emotions might be — remember that those boxes were never meant for your fullness. Step gently out of them, and into the tender, beautiful landscape of your feelings. Let your vulnerability be the shining thread that carries you back to the place your heart and soul have been calling you toward all along.
With you in the mess and the beauty,
Julia
Soulful Embodiment Coach, Transformational Guide & Intuitive
Your energy and presence are gifts to share with the world — even if they are deeply quiet. They are the very fuel that helps you transform your life and truly flourish.
You can tap into this when you ground in the essence of being you.
That’s what this blog is here to hold: reflections from my own long journey home to myself, interwoven with the insights I’ve gained through years of lived experience and training.
Warmly, Julia
Author’s note:
This blog grounded my own lived experience and the work with my clients, and also draws on what I have learned through my extensive training in somatic and spiritual work. You can read more about me here.